Life has been dark and heavy in our house for a while now. Last year was not a good year for our family, and this year is not shaping up to be much better just yet. I haven’t given up hope that 2025 might be a better year, but so far it has not been going very well.
Sawyer is seriously struggling with depression and anxiety. He laid across my lap for almost an hour last night, crying and spilling his fears. Sawyer’s struggles at school are affecting him a lot more than I realized; last night he wept in my arms because he’s afraid he’s going to flunk 6th grade and have to repeat it. For weeks he’s talked about nothing but moving back to Missouri, and last night he finally explained why he wants to move back so much: he doesn’t want to flunk and get left behind. He said “If I have to repeat 6th grade, I’ll never get to see my new friends again and then my life will be over.” He then told me that all he wants to do is eat, sleep, and play games on his phone or the computer.
I can’t begin to tell you how heartbreaking this chapter of our lives has been for me. I’ve done everything I can think of to help Sawyer, and I always feel like it’s never enough. From meetings with his school to create a 504 plan to help him at school, to therapy, to doctor’s appointments to try to get him on some antidepressants… I hate that I can’t find the magic solution to make all this go away and bring the smile back to Sawyer’s face again. I absolutely hate seeing my son so sad and broken, and being the only one here to listen and comfort him when he has these near-nightly meltdowns is exhausting and so lonely. His dad and stepmom are aware of what is going on, and they are definitely worried about him, too, but they’re usually not around for Sawyer’s meltdowns; he saves those for home, when it’s just us here. Most of the time they happen at night, when he’s had all day to think about all the things that make him feel so stressed out, and I end up having to be his personal cheerleader for a while before he’s finally able to calm down again and go to bed. And part of me feels honored that he knows it’s safe to fall apart with me- that I am his safety. But it’s also so exhausting to feel like you’re the only one here to deal with the fallout; I guess that’s the life of most single parents.
Sawyer often tells me he feels like a failure, or that he feels like he’s stupid. He has told me multiple times now that he doesn’t know why he’s even alive. He has started to hate the things that make him ‘different’, including his autism. In these moments, I talk til I’m blue in the face about how he is not failing, or stupid- he’s perfect just the way he is because God doesn’t make mistakes. I tell him “God is perfect, and He knows everything, so He knows best. He doesn’t make mistakes, and He made you because He thought the world needed one of you. That means you are very special and amazing, even when you don’t feel like it.” A few times after we’ve had conversations like this one, Sawyer will ask me why God wants him to suffer, and then we get into a whole other conversations about how God puts us through hard times so we can better appreciate the good times when they come.
What I don’t tell Sawyer is that I feel like a failure because I can’t just magically make him feel better. I wish I knew the right words to say, or the right thing to do to take his pain away. Not being able to fix his broken heart makes me feel like I’m failing him. I am constantly questioning whether I’m doing what’s best for him, and feeling like a total fuck up because he’s still suffering after everything we’ve tried. But then I have to remember that God gave me Sawyer because I was meant to be his mother; He knew I would fight with everything I have to take care of him and make sure he’s taken care of. I can do this, or else God wouldn’t have given Sawyer to me. So I fight and fight and fight, meanwhile feeling Mom Guilt about focusing so hard on one child while I have two others who also need me. And all this on top of my non-parenting worries, too, like bills and my own mental health struggles… To quote one of my favorite movies, “I’m tired, boss.” My soul is exhausted.
But God doesn’t make mistakes, and for some reason, we are being made to go through this sad time. I have no idea why, but He does and He sees what’s on the other side of this long, dark tunnel. I understand this and I’m trying hard to trust Him through the pain, praying something good and wonderful is coming for us after all this. And I’m sharing my struggles with you, in hopes that it reaches someone who feels like I do. Know that you’re not alone, and that there is a reason for all this. And remember: everything is going to be ok; maybe not today, but eventually. ♥
