“I don’t know how you do what you do. I could never be a mom to a special needs child.”
I’ve heard comments like these so many times over the years. My answer is always the same: “Yes you could. You never know what you can do as a mother until you have to.”
Like most moms I know, I consider my children my greatest achievement in life, and the source of my greatest happiness. My kids are the driving force of everything I do, every decision I make, and every plan for the present and future. After all, as a single mom, they’re all I have most days. But even when I was still married, my children were always the center of my world- and they always will be. I tell my kids all the time “You won’t understand until you have kids of your own”, and they won’t- they can’t. There’s just something about the love for your child that is unexplainable; it has to be experienced to be understood.
But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t get tiring sometimes. Every parent knows that parenting is the most tiring job we will ever do because it never stops. Even after your child becomes an adult, you never stop worrying about them and trying to take care of them as best as you can- even when you barely have the strength to take care of yourself. Caregiver burnout is a real thing.
Years ago, my mother told me “You can’t pour from an empty cup”. I had expressed guilt about needing “me time” away from the kids, and she explained that I shouldn’t feel guilty for needing to take care of myself because if you don’t take care of yourself, you can’t take care of anyone else. I understand the point of that saying, but I think Mom was wrong… You see, parents often pour from an empty cup in order to give our children what they need. How many times do we give our child the last $20 from our wallet because they need gas money, or food for their dorm room? How many times do we push our own emotions down inside so we can comfort our child, even though we may need hugs as much as they do? How many times do we sacrifice our social lives or career opportunities because taking care of our children demands it?
Most parents I know do these kinds of things often, and they do them with love because their children come first- and that’s the way it should be. The last year has been excruciating for me. I don’t want to go into the details, but most days, I feel like I’m drowning- barely keeping my head above water. Those who have been following me for a while know that Sawyer has been struggling, too. Sawyer has been experiencing deep depression and anxiety, and dealing with his emotions has been troubling and even scary at times. There have been many days I didn’t have the energy to keep him from melting down, but I did it anyway; I knew I had to. There have been countless phone calls, emails, and meetings with his teachers and doctors to try to help him, and some days I don’t know how I’m going to keep going but I do it. And that’s not even mentioning the things my girls have gone through over the past year or so; life has not been easy for us, and I have spent a lot of time and energy working hard to make sure my kids were ok, even when I wasn’t; I will never, ever stop fighting for my kids.
To all those parents out there struggling to keep going and keep being everyone’s cheerleader while you, yourself, are struggling- I see you. I feel for you, because I know how it feels, too, and I’m praying for you. I know it’s not easy to keep putting that smile on your face and choosing to keep going every day. I know some days you’d rather stay in bed all day and hide away from the world, and I’m proud of you for getting up and getting things done anyway. It’s not easy, even when we make it look like it is. I see you pouring every last drop out of that cup, and I pray that soon your cup will be overflowing with blessings and happiness. I pray that for you, and for all of us. ♥
