Outgrowing My Lap

I have always been a very loving, affectionate person. I was raised by two parents who never missed an opportunity to hug us or tell my siblings and I that they loved us; to this day, my sister and I don’t end a phone call or conversation without telling each other “I love you!” I tell my brother, too, when we talk but he is a little less enthusiastic about saying it back. It’s normally a rushed “Mmhmm…love-ya-too-bye!” as he hangs up the phone. LOL

As a mom, I believe in lots of hugs and kisses and words of affirmation to show my children that they are loved beyond measure. Over the years I have absolutely adored all the hugs and cuddles I’ve gotten from my kids. When my ex-husband was deployed, my girls and I would often pile into my bed for movie nights on the laptop (that often turned into sleepovers) while waiting for him to call us on Skype. I used to love to take naps on the couch with them when they were babies, cuddled up so close to me so I could smell the scent of baby powder, baby lotion, and milk. Just like my parents before me, I tell my children I love them at the end of every conversation, and they do the same- even with each other. ♥

By the time they were tweens, the girls were pretty much done with naps on the couch and sleepovers in Momma’s bed. I still got occasional cuddles, but for the most part I learned to be satisfied with hugs; all kids go through that stage where they’re “too cool” for that stuff, right? Sawyer, on the other hand, is still very much a big cuddler which is surprising to a lot of people who are familiar with autism spectrum disorder. You see, a lot of people with autism don’t like to be touched- especially if they feel it’s a restrictive touch such as a hug, but Sawyer seeks out sensory stimuli, and he loves to be hugged, cuddled, and tickled. It just goes to show that autism is so different for everyone who has it, and you can’t judge one autistic person based on another’s quirks.

Sawyer is growing up fast, and he’s starting to hit a growth spurt; he’s getting taller and showing signs of puberty. He will be 12 years old soon, but as I often have to remind myself and others, his mind is not maturing at the same pace. Mentally, Sawyer is younger than 12. I’m not really sure exactly where he would fall, but I’m going to estimate that mentally he’s on the same page as most 8-9 year olds in some ways. His emotional maturity is definitely not as advanced as some of his peers, which I believe is why when he’s upset he still needs hugs and cuddles to calm down. I know some people will say it’s not age-appropriate, or that he’s “too big” for that, but I don’t agree; everyone can use hugs and cuddles. As Sawyer has gotten older, we have talked about body boundaries, as well, so it’s all wholesome family fun.

Most 12 year old boys wouldn’t dare climb up onto the couch next to their mom to cuddle when they’ve had a hard day, or ask to cuddle or be tickled, but Sawyer still does. He may be getting big, but I will never not show him affection- especially if he asks for it. And sometimes he doesn’t ask with words- it’s his body language that gives it away. One thing he does a lot these days is lay across my lap to let me rub his back; it’s soothing to him and helps when he’s stressed out (I get it, son; I love a good back rub when I’m stressed out!). Some days he’ll start trying to tickle me, which is my cue to tickle him back; it’s so funny to me ’cause both of my girls hate being tickled, but he loves it.

Yesterday was a rough day for Sawyer. He had some things happen during the morning at school that caused him to lash out and hurt himself out of frustration. Later in the day he screamed at some classmates because they were “too loud” and it overwhelmed him. We talked about it all when he got home from school and he also discussed it with his therapist yesterday afternoon, and he understands that we all need to try to find other coping mechanisms besides screaming or lashing out when we’re mad or upset. We talked about using a fidget toy or other ways to self soothe, and I have recently gotten some gummies that are supposed to help kids feel more calm. He hasn’t been taking those long, but I wanted to try these before we resort to medication.

I went to color guard practice with Caitlyn last night, and Sawyer chose to stay at his dad’s while we were gone. When we got back home last night, Sawyer came and laid across my lap to let me rub his back. We talked about his day again, and how he’s still having a hard time transitioning to life in TN. He talked about how sad he’s been because he misses his friends and the town back in Missouri, and my heart felt so heavy for my sweet boy. So when he flipped over and moved his hand up to tickle my collarbone, I began to tickle him. We had a tickle fight until both of us were in tears from laughing, and then I rubbed his back some more before he went to bed.

I once saw a quote that said “My children may outgrow my lap, but they will never outgrow my heart.” I feel this to the depth of my soul. Sawyer may be outgrowing my lap, but in my heart he will always be my baby boy, and I will cuddle and tickle him as long as he needs.

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